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(SINCE THE YEAR 2000)

5. Robin Pecknold (of Fleet Foxes) – Beard – Voice
This band has blossomed this year, but they have fast become one of the most talked about indie groups to come along in a while. Pecknold sounds a touch like Jim James oddly enough, though with a little less of the Kermit the Frog vibe. His isn’t the most intense beard on this list, but a beard it is.

4. Jim James (of My Morning Jacket) – Beard – Voice
Jim’s beard is a little bit Amish, so extra points for that. He’s been with his band since 1998, and he’s had his beard ever since. He may rely on reverb to create the tone of his music, but he’s got one of the more distinct voices in the genre.

3. Will Oldham (aka Bonnie ‘Prince’ Billy) – Beard – Voice
I know, I know he sometimes sports only his forest-thick mustachio, but for the most part Oldham is bearded. He has a sort of psychopathic-anorexic-pirate vibe about him, but that’s what makes his music even more dark and sinister.

2. Devendra Banhart – Beard – Voice
Despite his hipster status as Natalie Portman’s latest fling, Banhart has put out some solid albums at a very young age, and he’s the only guy on this list who has paired his beard with a bedazzled gypsy bikini. A true bearded lady, and his songwriting is (for the most part) brilliant.

1. Sam Beam (of Iron and Wine) – Beard – Voice
Pound-for-pound, the best singer, songwriter, and beard on this list. He hasn’t put out a bad record yet. He also used to teach at a film school, which might have swayed me just a little bit. Despite all of this, his music under the Iron & Wine moniker has danced at the top of many year-end lists from the top critics, and for good reason.

(WHO CAN RUIN A FILM JUST BY BEING IN IT)

5. Rosie O’Donnell – She rounds out the top 5 because since A League of their Own, I’ve had no desire to watch any movies with her in them. I think I find her smug delivery a little unbecoming, though admittedly she hasn’t been in many films.

4. Angela Bassett – I know she was in Contact, but man, I can’t even muster up the will power to watch Akeelah and the Bee. I think she kind of epitomizes what I dislike about cultural films (films like Soul Food). She’s sort of like the Diane Keaton of ethnic dramas.

3. Paris Hilton – I’m proud to say I have yet to see a film with Paris Hilton in it, though if I ever DO see one, it will most likely be on accident, or if Kubrick came back from the grave and cast her in his film.

2. Rob Schneider – He’s like a crappy David Spade stand in, and David Spade ALMOST made this top 5 (but I did find Tommy Boy to be funny). That alone should say enough about why Deuce Bigalow is number two on this list.

1. Laura Linney – This one is highly personal and may be controversial (for I hear a lot of people like this overacting woman). I swear, I fast-forwarded through several of her scenes in John Adams, and I would have liked Truman Show more if she weren’t in it. There are highly acclaimed films like The Savages which I have no interest to see because of her inclusion in them. She has two expressions: psychotic sarcastic half smile, and wide-eyed startled sobbing, and I loathe both of them.

(WITH SURPRISING VOICES)

5. Jonathan Meiburg (Shearwater) – Image / Voice

4. Kristian Matsson (Tallest Man On Earth) – Image / Voice

3. Andrew Bird – Image / Voice

2. Thomas Dybdahl – Image / Voice

1. Ray Lamontagne – Image / Voice