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(CURRENTLY IN PRODUCTION)

5. Pontiac Aztek

On par with the Honda Element, this stand-outish SUV looks much worse in person. The aphalling rear-hatch looks like someone started crushing this thing in the trash compacter and then changed their minds at the last second. Too bad for us.

 

4. Honda Fit

I have a thing for hatchbacks, I’ll admit it. With the exception of the Audi A3, I pretty much loathe them. But this one takes the notion to a new level of suck. Along with the Pontiac Vibe’s and the Toyota Prius’s of the world, this car proves further that the car exec’s think twenty-something women prefer cars that look like crap.

 

3. PT Cruiser

Possibly the most infamous example of homage gone awry, the PT Cruiser somehow, miraculously, continues to sell. Maybe it’s just me who doesn’t get the irony of reimagining the original Ford Woodie, but man . . .

 

2. Chevy SSR

I don’t know who told the fine folks at Chevy it would be a good idea to take the Dodge Neon and turn it into a mini-truck from a Jetson’s future gone wrong. But they did it anyway, and now we get to watch as these identity-crisis inflicted car/truck things cruise past us. We can’t stand to look, but we can’t look away. Must be the fluorescent colors they paint these monstrosities in.

 

1. Scion xB

I feel the pity for post office workers and milkmen across the nation. Ever since Toyota went ahead with the Scion line of vehicles, they’ve rubber stamped the first-car community as idiots who think aerodynamics is only theoretical. This van/truck/car is the equivalent of what it would look like if you asked your non-artistic friend to draw a car on a piece of paper.

(NOT INCLUDING SNL)

5. Catch Me If You Can – Frank Abagnale Sr.

“Two little mice fell in a bucket of cream. The first mouse quickly gave up and drowned. The second mouse, wouldn’t quit. He struggled so hard that eventually he churned that cream into butter and crawled out. Gentlemen, as of this moment, I am that second mouse.”

4. The Rundown – Hatcher

“I feel like a little boy who’s lost his first tooth, put it under his pillow, waiting for the tooth-fairy to come. Only two evil burglars have crept in my window, and snatched it, before she could get here. [sidekick translates to villagers] Wait a second, do you understand the concept of the tooth-fairy? Explain it to them. [more translation] Wait. She takes the God damned thing, and gives you a quarter. They’ve got my tooth. I want it back.”

3. Poolhall Junkies – Uncle Mike

“This lion, is the king of the jungle, huge mane out to here. He’s laying down under a tree, in the middle of Africa. He’s so big. So hot. He doesn’t want to move. Now, the little lions come they start messing with him, biting his tail biting his ears, he doesn’t do anything. […] Now, the other animals they notice. And they start to move in. The jackals, hyenas, they’re barking at him laughing at him. They nip his toes, and eat the food, and get in his domain. They do this, and get closer and closer and bolder and bolder ’til one day, that lion gets up and tears the shit outta’ everybody. Runs like the wind. Eats everything in his path, ’cause every once in a while, the lion has to show the jackals, who he is. It’s too late to be scared. It’s time to kill.”

2. Pulp Fiction – Captain Koons

“This watch was on your daddy’s wrist when he was shot down over Hannoi. He was captured, put in a Vietnamese prison camp. He knew that if the gooks ever saw the watch, they’d confiscate it, take it away. The way your dad looked at it, this watch was your birthright. He’d be damned if any slope’s gonna’ put his greasy yellow hands on his boy’s birthright. So he hid it, in one place he knew he could hide something: his ass. Five long years he wore this watch, up his ass.”

1. True Romance – Vincenzo Coccotti

“You know, Sicilians, are great liars. The best, in the world. I’m Sicilian. My father was the world heavyweight champion of Sicilian liars. From growing up with him, I learned the pantomime. There are seventeen different things a guy can do when he lies, to give himself away. A guy’s got seventeen pantomimes. A woman’s got twenty, guy’s got seventeen. But, if you know them, like you know your own face, they’d be lie detectors all to hell. Now, what we got here, is a little game of show-and-tell: You don’t wanna’ show me nothing, but you’re telling me everything. I know you know where they are. So. Tell me. Before I do some damage, that you won’t walk away from.”