Mickey Rourke

5. Mickey Rourke – Rourke reportedly states that his plastic surgery was a means to simply correct the imperfections caused by years of amateur boxing. Fair enough. Nose job, no problem. Cheek implants, not really necessary, but I hear he broke a cheekbone. But the lip implants, face lifts, etc. seem to go above and beyond the call of duty.

Leona Helmsley

4. Leona Helmsley – “We don’t pay taxes. Only the little people pay taxes.” Ms. Helmsley was a tax evading hotel billionaire, and something of a tyrant. The Queen of Mean served 18 months in prison (reporting to the clink on, you guessed it, April 15… tax day). She saved enough of her fortune to succesfully mangle her face, however, before passing away from congestive heart failure at age 87.

She left most of her $4 billion estate to her own charitable trust, $15 million to her brother, $10 million each to two of her four grandchildren. The other two received nothing (allegedly because they did not name any of their children after their grandfather Harry). However, she did set aside $12 million to her dog Trouble. Aww!

Joan Rivers

3. Joan Rivers – Once the sidekick to late show legend Johnny Carson, Ms. Rivers has been the guinea pig for plastic surgeons since the late 80’s. But when her husband committed suicide just one week after she left him (she was having liposuction when she received the call), some speculated she spent many years and dollars trying to reinvent herself, to be somebody she never was: beautiful.

She is unabashed about having work done, and believes you should spend your money on you (literally). “Better a new face coming out of an old car, than and old face coming out of a new car.” Oh, the irony.

Donnatella Versacé

2. Donnatella Versace – Since taking over for her late father Gianni, Donnatella has undergone a series of interesting procedures, the most notable being her lip augmentation, which looks to me like two inntertubes stuffed under her skin then inflated to the point of bursting. Botox forehead, breast implants, and who knows what else, we sort of have to question the taste of this couture fashionista, do we not?

Michael Jackson

1. Michael Jackson – The recently deceased (cause of death wildly speculative though still under investgation) King of Pop is obviously the most extreme case of a makeover gone awry. We all know of his troubled youth, his abusive father, and his never-ending desire to be a child at heart. But we also know that he used to be a black man.

One of the most important black men in history, as a matter of fact. He brought people of every shape, size and color together in rejoice. All of the infamy did nothing to assuage the troubles lurking beneath the surface. A severe addiction to pain killers, and what many speculate to be a passion to shed his ethnicity, lead to a series of incrementally damaging surgical procedures.

Not only did he lose the ability to not look startled, the ability to smell through his undersized triangular nostrils, and the ability to grow facial hair on his cleft chin without looking like a prepubescent criminal, but he also bleached his skin from head to toe supposedly in order to match the pigment loss caused by an apparent case of vitiligo, a condition also suffered by Chris Smith of the 90’s rap duo Kriss Kross.

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